This was it. The year I would settle myself home. Get my own place, where my dog, Shadow and I would move in and get this life thing figured out. I would hit the ground running focused on becoming an established author and accepting whatever idea popped into my head. And of course, making time to help my mom out with my dad. But the year began the way most years begin, with no regard to your plans or resolutions. 2017 was already planned out by someone in far more control than I was. It wasn't the start that I wanted nor planned for.
2017 was already planned out by someone in far more control than I was
- There I was calling off of work because the night before I slept in a chair beside my dad's bed and the neck cramps were gladly welcomed.
- There I was staring at a future that was more fog than plan. Book proofs frustrating more than you know, I couldn't get them right for the life of me.
- There I was stuffing my heart into that top drawer full of things I rarely think of or use. "Anybody wanna buy a heart?"
- There I was hand cramping from clinging on to God with my right hand while my left hand used my writing projects to get me through the days.
Kissing my father on the forehead and whispering into his ear that I loved him and he didn't have to hang on for us, that I would be okay should he leave. At the same time hoping those words were true.
And on the eve of the Holiday of love, my heart was broken in a way that I still can't quite assign words to. Still, at the same time, it was the jump start that my life needed. 2017 taught me that life really is short. I learned that "busy" is simply an excuse to get us out of facing our fears and being great. It told me to go to that top drawer and clean it and anything that wasn't good for my growth that I need to let it go. Friendships, relationships, thoughts, habits, and my heart well I decided to keep her and give her room to feel and to heal and get ready to hurt some more. (sucks I know)
I experienced the magic of gratefulness. I saw the fruitfulness of trials and hardships. I learned the value in someones' presence over words to ease the awkwardness of a painfilled silence. I learned how to care and embrace all those emotions I locked away because sensitivity is looked at as a disease instead of being human. I learned to be human at all times and to remind others that humanity is something that we all have in common and none of us have this figured out and that is perfectly fine.
I experienced the magic of gratefulness.
I know there are some who have suffered more than me and some who have not but I know that pain and suffering are not things to compare or measure but they are to be experienced they are to be understood and not criticized. 2017 was not my happiest time by a long shot but it was the beginning that I needed and yes I wish that my father were here every single day but I choose to be grateful for the plan of the Sovereign One and fix my gaze on Him and my ordered steps. 2017 was one of those GET YOURSELF TOGETHER type of years. One of those "your pity party has been canceled type of years. I encourage you to shake yourself from this daze your struggles have got you in. The world will always be the horrible and wonderful at the same time just like our lives. Don't get distracted but don't be blind. Live a life that doesn't make you feel ashamed of what you've dones with the days gifted to you.
Things may not always go according to plan so lighten up and loosen up and enjoy the ride of life. Make it a good one and don't live with your eyes glued to the map that you've made for yourself you will miss out on so many amazing things.
2017 changed me and I am extremely grateful for the growth and for the change that has begun to take place in me. I still have miiiiiles to go. But God is the perfect travel companion for the road and I am eager to take those steps into 2018 with Him.
In 2018 I plan to
be quiet more
be okay with not being okay - more
I will be me - MORE