They make it sound easy and guilt free. I picture the scene of a wayward saint; running on the beach in slow motion (of course) and there, illuminated by the sun rise is Christ. He’s robed in white, peaceful smile and arms open wide. You are running to Him, while the weights are falling off of you carried away by the waves. . . reality crash. . . 

Beneath my feet is shattered pride and the dream that I was much stronger than that. That my faith so frail and in shambles would last much longer than it did. Instead of weights falling off my shoulders swept away in the seas of time there are whispers of ­ digging into me. Telling me what’s the point of running back to Him, you’ll just find your way back in the darkness again. Who knows how long the “joy stretch” will last this time. A couple of months?

Isn’t it odd how being embarrassed of being embarrassed is an actual thing. Yet here I find myself, time and time again, with a heart that is prone to wander seems to simply grow stronger and being embarrassed is a reminder that there are fragments of pride yet to die hanging on the corridors of my soul. It is in these times new lessons always manage to find their way in such a repetitive and familiar tale. When Christ saved us he didn’t turn us into mindless robots who no longer have the capacity to wander off. We are still human, still flawed, the difference is we now know where to turn.
Anytime we live and act as if we are without grace we become hypocrites and we are not behaving as who we are now.
Be embarrassed. Be ashamed, if those are the feelings you find yourself facing as I do, don’t deny them don’t ignore them or run from them. Face them with truth of God’s word and the truth of who He has made you to be. Who knows maybe next time you'll be less embarrassed and less ashamed. As you get closer to Him and know Him more the more you'll mature.
Admitting you were wrong accepting the humbling ways of God are a mark of growth. 
We mess up, we’re human and chances are we will do it again we will find ourselves and this viscous cycle or sin, repentance beating ourselves up because ‘we know better’ or that should have done but didn’t do. Learn from them our God is sovereign and He has a plan. Trust that and live boldly come back to Him boldly. 
 
P.S to those who mean well
so many people tell me how to feel or not to feel a certain way .... but i do !! and those feelings won't vanish at your command. sometimes it is best to sit quietly and let a person wrestle with it let them grow frustrated and upset let them experience that process just as you did. Guide them to truth but don't interfere with the process that God has them in. 
 
all things in wisdom and acknowledging the Lord of course ;) 

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